The Chronicles of a Heavy Sleeper

I am thoroughly convinced that I can sleep through just about anything. Once I am asleep, you have to do a large assortment of kicking and screaming in order to wake me up. Even if you do manage to perform the impossible, I am in a sort of half-sleepy daze, so don’t expect much from me. In my heavy sleeping, I miss out on a good majority of cool stuff that seems to wake up a good amount of folks. Also, I live to complain about random inconveniences that plague me and the fact that I am rarely woken up by things is one less inconvenience to have.

Basically sleep like this

Just yesterday, I checked Twitter in the morning to see that a good amount of my friends had been awaken by an earthquake. I was envious that I couldn’t get off a few earthquake dad jokes like “OMG it’s not always San Andreas’ Fault :/”. Also, one of the perks of living in Los Angeles is Earthquake Twitter. The fact that I missed out on the chaos that erupts from 100 of my friends all saying the same thing makes me feel like I really missed out. It gives me major FOMO to not have that same (shaky) ground to stand on and talk about the earthquake.

Oh that makes sense

More proof that I have always been a heavy sleeper comes from a childhood story. When I was a kid, I woke up to my parents telling me that I had slept through a drive-by shooting 2 houses down the street. I was absolutely heartbroken to hear that I didn’t get to hear any of the alarming sights and sounds of a drive-by. Surely, it would have made for a great story to tell for the rest of my life, but rather I had just woken up to find that I’d (probably) wet the bed and slept through it all. I could not have imagined a worse morning for anyone else that day.

I routinely have to change my alarm’s sound because I think my body adapts to its heavy-sleeper ways and gets used to it. It’s almost as if my body has the key to rapid human-adaptation because I oversleep alarms unless I regularly change the sound of it. My heavy sleeper ways, in almost Venom-like fashion, slowly creep over my body and win over every time. I am in a constant battle between me and “Sleep Nick” to win over control of my body. He normally gets the hours of 11PM–7AM and does not give me a second of that, but gets selfish and tries his best to go over the allotted time on occasion.

Currently on this one

This post IS NOT a reason to pull pranks on me in my sleep or attempt to rob my house when I am asleep. This “heavy-sleeper disorder” that I have to live with is tough at times and not meant to be taken advantage of. It’s a true tragedy that I suffer knowing that either of those things likely won’t wake me unless it gets to a certain level. By then, it’s normally too late and the house has mostly been ran-sacked (actual fear of mine) or my face has been drawn on (actually has happened).

My Brother is the same way so he wears his valuables to sleep

It is also because of this heavy sleeping that I really cannot be held responsible for anything that occurs in my sleep. Word of warning to my future partner(s): I will roll over on you, steal sheets, punch you, fart(?), and apparently straighten my arm out above my head. Listen, I slept through a drive-by shooting, please forgive me if you can’t take a swift smacking in the face by “Sleep Nick” every now and again. I really cannot control it and therefore cannot possibly be held responsible for my actions. Take it up with Sleep Nick if you have a problem, but good luck getting his attention. I’ve been trying for 24 years now just so I can begin to minorly inconvenience myself, to no avail.

ongs played while writing:

SZA — CTRL [Album]

Frank Ocean — Channel ORANGE [Album]

Snoh Aalegra — Ugh, those feels again [Album]



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