The Chronicles of a Heavy Sleeper
I am thoroughly convinced that I can sleep through just about anything. Once I am asleep, you have to do a large assortment of kicking and screaming in order to wake me up. Even if you do manage to perform the impossible, I am in a sort of half-sleepy daze, so don’t expect much from me. In my heavy sleeping, I miss out on a good majority of cool stuff that seems to wake up a good amount of folks. Also, I live to complain about random inconveniences that plague me and the fact that I am rarely woken up by things is one less inconvenience to have.
Just yesterday, I checked Twitter in the morning to see that a good amount of my friends had been awaken by an earthquake. I was envious that I couldn’t get off a few earthquake dad jokes like “OMG it’s not always San Andreas’ Fault :/”. Also, one of the perks of living in Los Angeles is Earthquake Twitter. The fact that I missed out on the chaos that erupts from 100 of my friends all saying the same thing makes me feel like I really missed out. It gives me major FOMO to not have that same (shaky) ground to stand on and talk about the earthquake.
More proof that I have always been a heavy sleeper comes from a childhood story. When I was a kid, I woke up to my parents telling me that I had slept through a drive-by shooting 2 houses down the street. I was absolutely heartbroken to hear that I didn’t get to hear any of the alarming sights and sounds of a drive-by. Surely, it would have made for a great story to tell for the rest of my life, but rather I had just woken up to find that I’d (probably) wet the bed and slept through it all. I could not have imagined a worse morning for anyone else that day.
I routinely have to change my alarm’s sound because I think my body adapts to its heavy-sleeper ways and gets used to it. It’s almost as if my body has the key to rapid human-adaptation because I oversleep alarms unless I regularly change the sound of it. My heavy sleeper ways, in almost Venom-like fashion, slowly creep over my body and win over every time. I am in a constant battle between me and “Sleep Nick” to win over control of my body. He normally gets the hours of 11PM–7AM and does not give me a second of that, but gets selfish and tries his best to go over the allotted time on occasion.
This post IS NOT a reason to pull pranks on me in my sleep or attempt to rob my house when I am asleep. This “heavy-sleeper disorder” that I have to live with is tough at times and not meant to be taken advantage of. It’s a true tragedy that I suffer knowing that either of those things likely won’t wake me unless it gets to a certain level. By then, it’s normally too late and the house has mostly been ran-sacked (actual fear of mine) or my face has been drawn on (actually has happened).
It is also because of this heavy sleeping that I really cannot be held responsible for anything that occurs in my sleep. Word of warning to my future partner(s): I will roll over on you, steal sheets, punch you, fart(?), and apparently straighten my arm out above my head. Listen, I slept through a drive-by shooting, please forgive me if you can’t take a swift smacking in the face by “Sleep Nick” every now and again. I really cannot control it and therefore cannot possibly be held responsible for my actions. Take it up with Sleep Nick if you have a problem, but good luck getting his attention. I’ve been trying for 24 years now just so I can begin to minorly inconvenience myself, to no avail.
Songs played while writing:
SZA — CTRL [Album]
Frank Ocean — Channel ORANGE [Album]
Snoh Aalegra — Ugh, those feels again [Album]
