Stuff I Thought Would be More of a Problem as a Kid
The issues I have as an “adult” certainly stack up, just not in the way that I’d previously believed they would as a child. Being a kid who was influenced by pop culture and television, there was no shortage of tough corners that would pin my favorite characters. There was a variety of different situations that would plague a good number of tv and movie characters and I had to come to grips with the fact that the world was a daunting place. I thought that I would have to learn to prepare myself to be thrust into any one of these insane situations. Here are some examples of issues I thought would torment me or someone close to me at some point in my life, but have yet to occur:
The Bermuda Triangle — Full transparency, I really have no genuine idea what the hell this area really is, but as a kid I was convinced that it would someday end me. I watched countless conspiracy videos on it that claimed that Aliens, sea monsters, or the lost city of Atlantis that was messing stuff up for everyone trying to travel through there. All I knew was that I needed to steer way clear of this area forever. With that said, if anyone is trying to take a nice Caribbean vacation (after COVID) hit me up.
Catching On Fire — The amount of times that I’ve practiced Stop, Drop, and Roll for some obscene reason was entirely unnecessary. Maybe it’s not because I’m not a complete moron like this guy:
College — Dear high school teachers, you scared the shit out of us for no reason. Don’t get me wrong, college has its difficulties and theres a couple classes everyone has that kicks their butt. Still, telling us there was no way that we were gonna get through college if we couldn’t handle going to high school?? High school where we’d take classes we weren’t engaged in, 5 days a week for 6+ hours, is bullshit. I’m thoroughly convinced that high school was the hardest level of school as that shit was basically prison.
Volcanoes/Lava — Whether it was Frodo’s trek to Mt. Doom or Nemo enduring Mt. Wannahockaloogie, I was convinced that I’d someday have to deal with a volcano explosion of my own. Trying to plot out what I would do if I had to run away from lava and playing ‘The Floor is Lava’ to sharpen my skills seemed like a smart plan for my eventual hellscape. With that said if the Super-volcano at Yosemite does happen to explode in my lifetime (still a fear of mine) I haven’t practiced nearly enough and I’m as good as dead.
Amnesia from Getting Hit in the Head — I can recall episodes of TV in which one of the characters had been hit in the head forcing them into a state of amnesia. I’ve had a concussion before, so I can kind of understand the circumstance of this, but to state it as some glaring problem where I get my memory wiped certainly was not the case.
Getting Held Back — In elementary/middle school, if a kid got held back the rumors that circulated the playground surrounding those circumstances was an absolute circus. I FEARED failing something to the point where I’d get held back and would in turn, ruin my entire reputation. I’d need an entirely new friend group as my older “mature” friends, now a grade above me, couldn’t have had a “held back kid” ruining their image. It would’ve been truly devastating. *Then you fail one of those difficult college classes I was talking about earlier, retake it and see it’s not so bad. You only get a little bit made fun by people!
Tsunamis — Yeah I live by the beach and we get a fair amount of earthquakes here so I’m not gonna talk a bunch of shit on this one.
Quicksand — Probably the most relatable childhood fear. It was constantly shown on TV and movies. We all thought that someday we would need Indiana Jones to lasso us out of trouble and practiced maintaining a zen-like state so that you didn’t sink in further.
Not Always Having a Calculator — A huge middle finger to all professors who don’t allow calculators in upper level math classes. I have always had a calculator of some sort handy when I needed it.
My Permanent Record — Hearing that something bad would go on my permanent record was the biggest fear of mine. Anytime I got in trouble for talking too much in class in like 2nd grade or would fought with a cousin, I was reminded of the trouble of my permanent record. I was convinced my life was going to be over if any scent of bad info got put on that. How in the world would I ever manage to explain the situation to future employers or potential police interrogators how I was a “bad boy” in 3rd grade?
If I do catch myself in one of these situations please give me some time to recover before putting me on Cold Takes Exposed. Most of these would likely kill me, if not absolutely cripple me (like not having a calculator on me when I most need it). It would be very mean of you to laugh at such a demise based on the ignorant shit-talking I did in this blog-post.
Songs played while writing:
Golden Features — Sect [Album]
Phoenix — Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix [Album]
