Rating the Liquids I Drink in a Given Month
I am someone who drinks copious amounts of various liquids on any given day. Hand up, I am the guy who makes make frequent bathrooms runs, has to sit on the outside of restaurant booths, needs to stop on long car rides, and misses parts of movies in the theater. I am not entirely proud of these issues, but it’s the path that I have chosen. I have some staples in this liquid consumption, but I also tend to mix it up a bit with the some of the others. On a given day, there are times where I have 2–3 different drinks in front of me. I never notice it until someone calls me out on it and I think it’s to avoid having to get up once I finish one. Although, the constant hydrating leads to me having to make frequent bathroom runs (with crystal clear pee) where I could probably just grab the next drink on my way back, but I’ve been in the game too long to change now. Might my obsession with staying hydrated have something to do with wetting my bed earlier in my life? Maybe, but who cares? Stop questioning my life and worry about living your own.
Water: The most slept on liquid of all time. Water flies under so many peoples radars and it is often viewed as a “plain” liquid, but personally I could not live without it. When thirsty, it’s the most refreshing of all drinks and is drastically undervalued by the masses. Water is the absolute king of the liquids. One of my staples that I drink every day. Really only sucks when you’re on a flight and somebody leaves you with a water bottle you may not have wanted; you’re then responsible for that water bottle.
Rating: 9.6/10
Recommend: Stay awake on flights to deny waters you may not want
Coffee: Nothing says “I am an adult/over the age or 14” like enjoying your cup of morning coffee. It is truly one of my simple pleasures that life has to offer. The largest issue is that I have evolved from that one cup and now I will drink anywhere from 3–4 cups on a given day (generally warm coffee in the mornings and iced in the evening). I don’t really experience any sort of caffeine rush like I used to because, as you will see from this list, I consume a fair amount of caffeinated liquids. Should I cut back? How’s about you let my doctor worry about that, okay?
Rating: 9.1/10
Recommend: Laird Superfood Creamer (1/2 tablespoon in the coffee is *chefs kiss*).
Kombucha: This drink is a “health-fad” and has a cult following, but let me tell you I am in the cult. Initial knee jerk review for anyone is a 0.1/10. I remember the first time drinking it, I thought it tasted like absolute butthole and the fact that I saw people enjoying it made me question their sanity. For some odd, masochistic reason, I went back in later to try it again and found “it wasn’t that bad”. Now, I am one of those insane, culty assholes talking about how great the probiotics are for your gut biome and that it just needs to grow on you. NOTHING SHOULD NEED TO GROW ON YOU IF IT’S GOOD NICK. NOTHING.
Rating: 6.8/10
Recommend: Just avoid it altogether. You don’t want to join this cult, but if you must I recommend GT’s Mango, Watermelon, or Multi-Green.
Tea: Tea is something I will drink on occasion because it always sounds like a treat. It makes me feel like a sophisticated, mature human and really is just a some natural flavor to the elixir of the Gods (water). There’s health benefits to various teas. Nothing particularly great about tea, but not bad and stays in the mix for a reason.
Rating: 6.2/10
Recommend: Make sure you’re in the mood to drink it otherwise you’re just gonna let it sit and odds are you won’t come back to it.
Iced Tea: Very different from your generic warm tea. This tea you can get in the “sweetened” and “unsweetened” forms at various restaurants. It’s the go to liquid for any time you order a combo meal that comes with a drink. I am thoroughly convinced that most of the time, Iced Tea at these restaurants just dehydrates me as I will generally just end up thirstier than I previously was. Still, one of the drinks I frequent when I eat out.
Rating: 7.3/10
Recommend: Get unsweetened, but if you have control of the pour from a fountain, add a little splash of sweetened. You deserve it.
Almond Milk: I haven’t had real milk in some time and it is because almond milk has come in and absolutely kicked ass. It was a tad bit strange the first time I had it, but it didn’t take very long to grow on me. Absolutely love almond milk now and am thankful for vegans for shoving this in my face because there really isn’t any going back now.
Rating: 7.9/10
Recommend: Silk vanilla, unsweetened
Protein Shake: It’s less of a shake and more powdery flavoring in some almond milk, but as someone who tries to avoid sugary items, this is something that adds some nice sweetness to my life. a negative is that drinking these makes me sound and look like an alpha, douche and I feel like one when I am drinking it. Since high school, I have attempted to avoid talking about protein shakes/powder altogether unless I know I’m in a safe space to discuss them (with my other alpha-male broskis).
Rating: 7.7/10
Recommend: Anything but that terrible artificial strawberry or apparently cookies & cream; trash. Also, personally prefer plant-based protein powder.
Pre-Workout: Another item on here that may be frowned upon, but it’s delicious. Maybe more of a state of mind liquid here, but I tend to enjoy pounding this one before a workout. Companies tend to do a really great job flavoring these powders that are simultaneously helping me get good workouts in and killing me.
Rating: 7.8/10
Recommend: Any lemon-lime or blue-raspberry flavors. I take this one.
Beer: I still remember my first time drinking a beer in high school (sorry Mom). I thought, “Holy shit, this is absolutely disgusting. Why would anyone willingly drink this?” while I sipped it and talked about how much more refreshing Coors Light is than Bud Light, like a moron. Since then, my palate has changed and I absolutely love beer. It’s the best tasting of alcoholic beverages. It really is just a damn shame that they cause bloating, are too filling, and create a beer belly over time.
Rating: 8.6/10
Recommend: Can never go wrong with a Pacifico. Also, Mango Carts at Dodger Stadium never disappoint.
Hard Seltzers: As someone who isn’t the biggest fan of sparkling water, I was skeptical about these, but I was in fact wrong. Hard seltzers are a great, healthy addition to rotations of alcohol. They don’t get you as bloated as beer and taste much better than hard alcohol. You generally know your limits with these too when compared to mixed drinks where you can’t count those as easily as you can get “heavy handed” sometimes.
Rating: 7.2/10
Recommend: High Noon (Worth the price you pay)
Wine: Really wish I could say that I enjoyed wine more. It’s some classy shit to know what wine you like and order bottles for a table or pair it with a meal. I envy everyone who is really into wine and knows what they’re talking about. I swear you guys look super cool. Unfortunately, I just never enjoyed it and can’t seem to find my stride as a wine guy. Could be because of the few times I had it as a kid in church. Regardless, not a huge fan of this one, although it has been better the last few times that I have had it. Also, willing to keep hammering away so I can be a cool wine snob, but maybe I need to take a page out of the book of Kombucha and understand that if somethings good it shouldn’t need to grow on me?
Rating: 4.7/10
Recommend: Send me your recommendations please
Hard Alcohol: I still remember my first time taking a shot In high school (sorry again Mom). I took it and my eyes instantly filled with water as the taste of that rubbing alcohol flavored Smirnoff Vodka went down my gullet. It was the most horrific taste of all time, worse than kombucha if I am being honest. Over time, this one still has not grown on me. I hear people say “Oh you just don’t get the right stuff” or “You should try this”, but it’s always miserable. I get it, you don’t drink it for the taste, but the feeling of a buzz or whatever. If you make me take a shot with you I will gag and let you know how much I hated it, unless it was expensive. Then, out of courtesy I won’t, but just know I still didn’t like it.
Rating: 1.2/10
Recommend: 4–1 mixer to alcohol ratio to help drown out the taste. Throw shots out before you cheers. Tell your friends that you’ve already had 2 more than them and to take some without you. Gag if you do take a shot; people hate that and may not invite you for another. You should have enough practice pretending to be drunk from high school.
If there’s any drinks you feel that I am missing out on and need to add to the rotation, let me know because you can never have too many fluids.
Songs played while writing:
Jamie XX — In Colour [Album]
Deadmau5 — 5 Years of mau5 [Album]
Daft Punk — Discovery [Album]
Yung Bae — Bae 5 [Album]
