Ranking the Top 10 Ice Creams

Yesterday was National Ice Cream Day; a totally not made up holiday to help continue to feed American consumerism. It got me thinking of a lighthearted argument that I had a couple weeks prior about what the most elite Ice Cream Truck/Paletero ice creams were. I thought it best to rank them here on a blog.

I am more than capable of making a quality list as growing up, I had unlimited access to most of these from my Grandpa’s Liquor Store. When you combine that unlimited access with me being a fat kid, my resume truly begins to speak for itself. Does the fat kid thing and unlimited access to junk food go hand in hand? Maybe. That’s not the point of this blog though you judgmental shit.

*Unless you were heavier than me as a kid, this list is not up for debate. Do not reply and try to argue with me. I don’t care and you will be ignored.

10. Snow Cone: There’s few items that catch a kid’s eye quite like the snow cone. It’s a hot summer day and you order one of these low-quality shaved ices to cool you off. The first 5 minutes you’re holding it you can’t even take a bite of it cause it’s just a rounded, frozen chunk of ice at the top. Most kids are done with their ice cream by the time you even get started. At the 7–8 minute mark the cone sorta melts the paper and it’s dripping out of the bottom of the cone. You and your sticky hands manage to finish the best part which is the cold, melted, syrupy liquid caught at the bottom. Boom, it’s done and now you’re excited to see that gum ball down at the very bottom. You chew it for about 30 seconds, break a few teeth, spit it out then begin to feel a little sad you didn’t order something higher up on the list.

9. Paletas de Coco/Fresca/Mango/Limon: Simple enough, the coconut/strawberry/mango/lime ice creams were always an amazing treat. I don’t think I appreciated these until my palate changed from the run of the mill, overly sweet, sugar bombs you order as a kid. Still, there’s no denying that these guys hit the spot whenever you ordered one. Plus, it’s fruit so there’s not as much guilt when eating them because they’re healthy.

8. *Insert Cartoon Character Name Here* Ice Cream: This ice cream might be the first time I can remember the feeling that would plague my life, disappointment. Finally old enough to order my own ice cream at my Dad’s Sunday League baseball games, I saw one of my favorite cartoon characters on an ice cream. One of my cousins had mentioned to me that on top of me being able to eat Sonic the Hedgehog/Powerpuff Girl(s)/SpongeBob/etc., I would also be granted their glorious eyeballs that were gum. It was a done deal. I ordered one of those bad boys and it just didn’t quite hit the mark. I ate its melty, morphed, almost unrecognizable head while I held some shitty frozen gum balls in my hand and realized that this isn’t at all what I had imagined. Also, I could recall a couple times of wanting a particular character they ended up being sold out of and my mom made me get the Pink Panther or something because “it’s the same thing!”, when in fact it was not. I wanted the cool character in hopes that this time eating my favorite character would allow this ice cream to be different. I put it higher on the list for nostalgias sake and because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have a respectable list. Still, we both know this ice cream was not elite tier.

7. Snow Storm: This one was good. My gripes with it are the price (too expensive in terms of paletero type ice creams) and if I wanted a basic ‘cookies and cream’ I could have just stayed home. On top of that, you looked like an asshole with your little cup and spoon while everyone else is eating like a slob. Just a snobbish, but good, order.

6. Chocolate Crunch: Not much to say here. It’s a safe pick. Great flavor. Elite texture. Nobody is going to really give you shit if you picked the chocolate crunch. Only crap you may get is that you get is that you didn’t pick its more elite sibling.

5. SHOTS: When I was first introduced to these as a kid, I fell in love. The Lemon-Lime “savory” flavor was a perfect switch up from the normal sweet order. On top of that, they marketed to my adolescent self the ability to take shots like you see adults do at parties. My cool friends and I would order them, cheers and then start eat/drink these little frozen flavor balls. They were really good and you got an experience of feeling like a dude at a party when you had them. Would actually prefer to do these shots than alcohol shots at parties now. The grass really is not greener.

4. UFO: Oatmeal cookies are ELITE. The consistency of the cookie on top of their subtle, additional sweetness make for an amazing cookie. You’re gonna slap some ice cream in-between 2 of those cookies and then dip the whole thing in chocolate?! That shit is crack. Giving it a cool name like the UFO also just makes for an overall amazing choice.

3. WWE Superstars: As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I had strict(er) parents and wasn’t allowed to watch WWE like the rest of my cool older cousins. It might be because I was already enough of a fighter and they didn’t want to give me any more creative ideas in that field, which is fair. When I saw that my paletero had a WWE superstar ice cream, I asked my mom if I could order one so I could front to my friends and cousins as if I was actually a huge fan of Mr. Stone Cold Steve Austin. I recall her being skeptical as to why I even wanted it, but in reality I was just fake flexing as if I was cool enough to watch wrestling and I think she could see that. I was remarkably surprised by the quality of the ice cream and the wonderful cookie coating. I may have also just been in a good mindset to eat based on the clout I was getting while fake flexing this one. Still, I remember it being delicious, so it rightfully deserves the 3 spot on this list.

2. Strawberry Shortcake: This is the cooler, better, more delicious sibling of the chocolate crunch. The texture of this one just makes for an absolutely amazing ice cream. It also gave bonus health points for being a fruit flavored ice cream. Will forever stand the test of time and you could make an argument that it might even deserve the one spot, but it got reserved for the one spot of one spots.

1. Choco Taco: Someone got bored of eating an ice cream cone vertically and decided they wanted to flip that bad boy on its side. When they did it, they discovered there’s more surface area for the chocolate coating (the best part of the traditional cone) as now it runs along the entirety of it. It made for the undisputed king of pre-packaged ice creams. A must-order, fan favorite for any group of kids on a hot Summer day. A revolutionary spin on the basic cone that rocketed American ingenuity into the 21st century.

Honorable Mentions: Orange Flintstones Push-Pop & The Ice Cream Sandwich

Songs played while writing:

Love Regenerator, Steve Lacy — Live Without Your Love

Radiohead — Kid A [Album]

Getz/Gilberto — Desafinado

Gorillaz — Plastic Beach [Album]