Ranking the People you see at Costco
For those who may not know, I’m a Costco fanatic. Costco (all of them together) would be made the 8th wonder of the world if it weren’t more of a euphoric state of mind. I’ve been a proud Costco member for 3 years and am coming up on the one year anniversary of my Executive Membership status. I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect on all the joy that Costco has brought me. I figured that the best way that I could possibly show my devotion to the holy grail of places to shop is by ranking the people you can spot on a trip to Costco.
Let me start by saying that I am guilty or have been each of these people at least once in my life (Except for that ugly 6 spot, I’m above that) [And the 1 and 9 spot by default]. I am more than qualified of ranking each of these people. I’ve spent plenty of time reflecting on how being each of them made me feel and how I currently view them. Let it be said that if you find yourself on the bottom of the list, please take a moment to reevaluate your ability to shop at one of the finest establishments to have ever existed.
1. The Soccer Mom: She had to be given the one spot. She’s at every single trip either shopping for her kids or she’s got the family with her. Cute kids in the basket or not, she’s always incredibly courteous and just keeps to herself. Very responsibly shops around the store. There’s honestly nobody more deserving and wholesome. Bonus points if she throws a nice smile, wave, or one of her kids does something cute while chillin in the basket. *Can also be substituted for soccer dad/not gender specific
2. Your Mirror: This person knows exactly what they're doing. From the moment you both walked in you’ve crossed paths with them down every row of the warehouse. They may have started on the opposite side of the aisle, but damn do they know their way around the holy land that is Costco. Often times, it’s too much to make full eye contact with them as you both can see the awkwardness of the mirror. You just throw them a quick glance and shy smirk towards the end of the trip while walking down the cereal aisle; acknowledging the experience that you shared together.
3. The Food Court Fanatic: As soon as this person steps near/inside of the holy gates they take a quick detour to the food court. I respect the move every time I see it. With strides of the finest gazelle they walk to one of the greatest perks of Costco which is their food court. They can be spotted munching on that $1.50 hot-dog/glizzy or an ice cream on a hot summer day. I just do a mental tip of the cap for them every time I see them. Nothing but respect to them for wanting to spend just a little more time at the greatest place on Earth than the average shopper.
4. The “Once A Month-er”: There’s nothing particularly wrong with this person other than they don’t appreciate the gloriousness of Costco. They will buy 2–3 of everything and attempt to avoid making a trip back to Costco for an extended period of time. You can see them trolleying the orange cart around instead of the basic cart. My heart breaks a little, but I also understand that some people just don’t have their priorities in check.
5. The Membership Splitters: This person shows up with multiple people. Enough to where they might be confused for any of the other members on this list during the first 99% of the trip, but they show their true nature at the very end. This is because it is not until you’re in line does this group/person show themself. It’s the membership splitter. Listen folks, I am next in line. I am not behind 3 different people now splitting the entirety of their cart, using a single membership amongst each other. This is what Venmo is for. Figure it out later please as you’re now impeding on my life.
6. The Joke Returners: To be fair I’m sure this person might be further down the list if I worked at Costco, but I just judge them from afar as I exit. For those who may not know, Costco has one of the most lenient and amazing return policies that could possibly be offered. I love systems that are put in place like this. They basically trust the good nature of human beings to do the right thing, but like most things in this nature it is abused. The worst I’ve personally seen is some half-used alcohol bottles being returned. I hate the joke returners and am thankful I don’t have to deal with them.
7. The Careless Dunce: This person can be seen leaving their shopping cart carelessly around the store. They have absolutely no regard for anyone else shopping around Costco and leave their cart in the middle of aisles and popular items around the store. Put the cart in front of the gigantic tubs of mayonnaise, not the rotisserie chicken section. Also, don’t walk 50 feet away from your cart to grab something! Take your cart with you?! You’re now impeding on everyone’s trip to the holy land.
8. The Sample Hog: I know what you’re thinking, “I love Costco samples” and trust me I do too. It’s innocent and lighthearted for some who just grab a quick sample or two around the store. If they’re already out for you to grab, not too many people around, grab away. I respect that. What I cannot, I mean truly cannot stand is the sample hog. This slob has even less regard for people than the careless dunce. The careless dunce is just careless, but this person isn’t that, they’re selfish. It doesn’t matter just how many people are crowded around the sampling table. They will wedge their body and cart in to grab one of the samples causing a massive blockade for people trying to get in, out, or around the table. This is the same person who will also wait an excess of 2+ minutes at the sample table causing a whole new obstacle in the store to maneuver around. If you’re a sample hog please check your sampling privileges.
9. The OJ Simpson: This isn’t specific to OJ Simpson, although I am sure that some people may have their opinions on him. I am referencing those that abused Costco during the early COVID days. This rank may be recency bias, but Costco was an absolute zoo in that “quarantine prep” phase. I couldn’t go in as it was recommended to avoid being in large groups of people. I also couldn’t help but feel like the hordes gathering there were likely full of ‘the careless dunce’ crowd. This left me unable to visit Costco which turned into many restless nights for me. On top of that, stealing all the toilet paper supply left me really debating on buying a duvet. *OJ if you’re reading this, I’m sure you have a k̶i̶l̶l̶e̶r̶ great time at Costco and are a real pleasure to be around. Would’ve taken a s̶t̶a̶b̶ chance at trying to fill you in the top couple slots if this was about solely you.
Honorable Mention: The true 1 spot of 1 spots goes to me (Nick). Like I mentioned before, Costco is a state of mind for me. It’s my ultimate place of zen. Even when I may not be there physically, just know that I’m mentally there with you. From the moment you walk through those huge warehouse doors, to the very moment they check your receipt and you depart, you can count on me. *Excludes trips through the walk-in fridge if I am cold and trips to the bathroom
Songs played while writing:
Noizu — Summer 91
EDDIE — Shine
Young Thug — Wyclef Jean
Anderson .Paak — Ventura [Album]
Rufus Du Sol — SOLACE [Album]
Daniel Caesar — Freudian [Album]
