My Take On “What Would You Do If…” Questions
I absolutely hate theoretical questions like this. For those of you too lazy or unable to click on the tweet, it’s a video simulation of a massive asteroid crashing into Earth sending the entirety of the planet into a massive fiery blaze while some anime intro track plays in the background. I truly cannot express the disdain that I have for these sorts of situations that get brought up in a variety of conversations. My answer is almost always the same to the majority of questions like:
“Hey brochacho what would you do if a shark attacked you?!”
“Yo broski what would you do if we we thrust, I mean, were thrust into a zombie apocolapse?”
̶”̶̶̶H̶̶̶e̶̶̶y̶̶̶ ̶̶̶b̶̶̶r̶̶̶o̶̶̶ ̶̶̶d̶a̶d̶d̶y̶ ̶̶̶w̶̶̶h̶̶̶a̶̶̶t̶̶̶ ̶̶̶w̶̶̶o̶̶̶u̶̶̶l̶̶̶d̶̶̶ ̶̶̶y̶̶̶o̶̶̶u̶̶̶ ̶̶̶d̶̶̶o̶̶̶ ̶̶̶i̶̶̶f̶̶̶ ̶̶̶I̶̶̶ ̶̶̶w̶̶̶a̶̶̶s̶̶̶ ̶̶̶w̶̶̶i̶̶̶t̶̶̶h̶̶̶ ̶̶̶y̶̶̶o̶̶̶u̶̶̶ ̶̶̶r̶̶̶n̶̶̶?̶̶̶ ̶̶̶🥺👉👈”̶̶ Wait wrong blog post
“Aye Broseph Gordon Levit, what would you do if a nuke just landed right on us right now??”
The answer:
That^ (Die) and I’ve got to get new friends who don’t refer to me as various versions of ‘bro’. All too often I hear people coming up with really quick smart plans to fend off a potential shark attack and turn into Rick from ‘The Walking Dead’. “I’d punch the shark in the nose!”. “Oh Brose Canseco, I’d get a bunch of guns and medicine and food and set up shop at…”.
Listen guys, if a shark comes and decides it wants to take a bite out of me, that’s it, it’s a wrap. That shark decided it was my last day on Earth. I am not going to calmly/rationally think “oh yeah lemme boink it on the schnozer” while the jaws of (the end of) life are ripping my limbs apart. Also, it’s a zombie APOCALYPSE for a reason, the world is ending. 99.9% of people are going to die for that to be considered such. You think with your 2 trips to the gun range and your ability to throw band-aids on your boo boos you’re going to turn into that badass chick from Resident Evil?? Welp, not me. Dead (or part of #TeamZombie).
Please think about your theoretical questions before you ask them to people. I know you get excited about day dreaming scenarios where you’re some ninja, navy seal, assassin, hero, badass, but I — a realest — the realest — the real deal — @realnickmartinez on Instagram—a real steal — the truth — alright I’m done — will, with almost 100% certainty, die and I will tell you so. There’s no fun elaborate conversation. I just tell you what it is, I die and so do you.
Songs played while writing:
R.E.M. — It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
Tame Impala — The Slow Rush [Album]
BRONSON — BRONSON [Album]
