I’ve Found the Fountain of Youth
As someone who loves themself the maximum amount that a person could love themselves, I want to live forever. Like many “narcissists” before me, I have attempted to find the fountain of youth. The only difference between me and those morons is that I have done it. I have found the perfect concoction to cheat death. A combination of the perfect lifestyle choices has allowed me to find the key to immortality. I want to be able to share all of these beneficial life tips for anyone who loves themselves and wishes to embark in this life-long (external) journey with me. It’s certainly not easy to follow them all, but where there is a will there is a way.
Before I begin, I want to say that I have thought over what this means. Outliving all of my friendships, relationships, and any other emotional bonds that I could make. On one side, it sounds awful to forever have to say goodbye various to people. On the other side, time will heal all wounds and I’m sure that there will be plenty of cool people being born all the time. To add to this, again, I love myself enough to know that I’m all I need. Also, anyone who matters enough will follow these strict guidelines to live alongside me as Gods. If you disagree, I promise to get over each and every one of you, so don’t get all high and mighty about this sounding awful.
The 10 keys to eternal life:
1. ‘One-A-Day’ Multivitamins: Taking 4 of these bad boys daily has been working wonders for me. I’m not entirely sure how nobody thought of this sooner, but taking 4 vitamins that have proven beneficial at a moderate dosage of 1 will only increase the advantages. It’s simple science and I’m shocked that more people haven’t attempted to exponentially boost the benefits of this supplement in attempt to live forever.
2. Cutting out negativity from your life: It’s fair to say that negativity can be a precursor to a plethora of mental health issues. Cutting off people in your life who are toxic is something that can help you mentally and physically. Negativity is something that will largely weigh on you as you go on to live forever. The plus side of eternal life is being able to spot signs of it early and disposing of it as it comes will become much easier .
3. Diet: It’s important to eat healthy. You always hear about diets being essential to longevity. There are many different sources of information which try and point to their diets being the best (paleo, vegan, keto, Mediterranean, etc.). There is truly an endless list of diets proclaiming to be superior, but I have narrowed it down to 2 that stand head and shoulders above the rest, vegan and carnivore. With these 2 diets balancing each other out, I am getting the benefit of 2 proven nutritional powerhouses. I have also become absolutely imperative to any stress that could come from people who complain that I should follow one religiously (stress is poor for longevity).
4. Exercise: I am an active person because I am aware of how beneficial exercise is. It helps you attract tons of sweet babes and is good for both physical and mental health. I have found that jumping on a steroid cycle only boosts the benefits of exercise, thus must increase an active human’s lifespan. To also boost my workouts, I take 2–3 scoops of pre-workout to make sure that I’m perfectly locked in for maximum health gains.
5. Not smoking: It’s important that you stay away from cigarettes. I learned early that it’s much easier to avoid temptation if you find people who also uphold these values.
6. Not Settling: Refusing to settle for people because you love yourself so much is HUGE. For most of my life, I have been so in love with myself that I refuse to settle. Refusing to do so is good for your own self image and in turn leads to less stress and healthier decision making. I have way too much on my plate both literally (from my chef/diet) and figuratively (trying to uphold this perfect lifestyle). It takes a lot for me to add more to that plate with another person. So, I hold myself in a high regard. Learn to love yourself; you’re gonna be with you for quite a while.
7. Avoiding excess radiation: Simple enough. Letting too much radiation into your body isn’t healthy for your cells. Not much more to say about this one.
8. Grind 24/7: When you lose your passion for something that is your life’s calling, you will find that your life begins to wither away. It’s always important to have passion projects and work towards achieving your goals. Procrastination will become a massive crutch for someone who will live for an eternity. Luckily for me, I have always been been grinding and squeezing so damn hard so this won’t be as much of an issue for me.
9. Only making safe bets: Gambling is something that can be proven to induce stress. The highs of gambling and often met with tons of stress that can diminish a person’s health. Making “safe bets” like investing in a 401K, mutual funds, or the Dodgers to lose in the playoffs in some heartbreaking fashion, will not allow this stress to consume you. Of course, gambling away things that aren’t of value to you can also be considered a “safe bet”. In turn, these don’t bring upon as much stress in a person’s life, while still adding the pleasures of the gambling rush.
10. Personal development: Those who are not busy living, growing, and changing, are busy dying. It is very important to always keep growing as a person. This one is going to be more important later down the line (500-1,000 years or so). Times will change and with that we must change with them. It’s important to start now in our early years so it doesn’t become too difficult to hate your past self when you need to change in the future. (NOT CONTRARY TO POINT 7: As long as you love your current self, all is well. Push your old self down to boost your current self up if needed.)
This may come as a surprise to some, but aside from these lifestyle choices I am not perfect. Very much to my point about personal development, there is a lot that I can work on as a person. Luckily for me, and anyone who chooses to live in the manner that I do, has an eternity to grow into our most perfect/final forms. I will continue to grow and hate all my past selves, just like I’m sure in 1,000 or so years I will look back, read this and hate myself for sharing my secrets with you.
*If I do somehow die, please wait a minimum of 6 months to pull this up to laugh at me.
Songs played while writing:
Tame Impala — List of People (To Try and Forget About)
Red Hot Chili Peppers — Californiacation [Album]
Nirvana — Nevermind [Album]
Soulection Radio (Episode 464)
