Enough Karens Please

If you’ve been on any form of social media in the past 3 months you may have seen these “Karens” floating around your timeline. In fact, unless you’re so #TeamPam that you preemptively muted the name “Karen” on your feeds, you have to have seen these videos.

I for one am sick of seeing these crazy older white women all over my feeds. It’s brought down my enjoyment of scrolling looking for stupid shit to laugh at or some feet pics worth inquiring about. This meme has been brutally murdered by the internet and some of these “Karens” aren't even Karens; they’re just crazy, early onset dementia having, racist assholes. These people obviously have severe mental issues as they know that they’re being recorded but have absolutely no regard for themselves nor the people in their lives. There’s no rationalizing with them.

I wrote this blog to say that “Karen” should be saved for the true “let me speak to your manager” types. It’s a shame to see it just be thrown out to any generic moronic narcissist that doesn’t want to wear a mask because they think the world revolves around them. The meme has been overplayed and unless we can begin to saturate social media feeds with other random non-specific stereotyped names, the true Karens of the world won’t have as much luster behind their callings. I am here to suggest some other totally random, nonspecific names that we can stereotype (with examples).

Ryan: Ryan’s are the guys who are clearing out the local Zara in one of their low-cut shirts. This isn’t specific to any one person so it may be a Topman or Banana Republic, don’t let “Zara” distract you. He may even be casually ripping his 10th Puff Stick of the day while driving through the closest fast food spots, like Jack in the Box (not specific to any one place).

Example: “Holy shit look at that total Ryan with that low-cut ass shirt from Zara. Sick well-groomed chest hair bro!”

Daniel: Daniel’s are the people who incessantly bother you about doing something with them, even if you have 0 ability to complete the task. Normally this involves a Tik Tok dance when you have 2 left feet and the stiffest shoulders around (but not specific). This guy also takes full production type photoshoots everywhere he goes to flex on the gram.

Example: “This MAJOR Daniel has 0 regard for anyone who is trying to go about their night he needs to make sure he gets these pics/fits off. He even asked these random girls to make a Tik Tok after this LOL”

Grant: Grant’s will generally be that grumpy morning person type. They tend to not like to be woken up in case for a start to an even worse morning for them. If you have to walk around eggshells until this person gets their morning coffee, you’re dealing with a Grant. You may have also been abruptly thrust out of your current living situation by a roommate Grant, like he just moved into the garage at your place (just an example/nonspecific). *I’m going to post this in the afternoon so not to upset any Grants*

Example: “OMG I snapped a rare pic of this Grant in his final form before he wakes up. If he sees I took this pic right after he wakes he’s gonna snap my phone in half lmao”

Justin: Justin’s are the guys who seemingly knows everything about every player in every sport as if he’s Vin Scully doing a broadcast/Nardwuar interviewing people. They also tend to wear excessive amounts of jewelry. One other common trait is they love specific brands of headwear, like Joker (but not specific to that).

Example: “Holy shit Xerxes is basically the OG Justin. He always wore a shitload of jewelry and always had that dumb chain headpiece on. Imagine if there were sports back then??”

Liam: Liam’s are people who tend to oversleep every alarm they set. He can also be tagged as the person who never completes Venmo requests even if they’ve been posted for months on end. You may also call out a Liam for changing his opinion on a topic based upon the last podcast they just listened to.

Example: “Wow my friend’s being such a Liam! They won’t accept my Venmo request that’s been up there for months! RUDE”

Dom: Dom’s can be found growing absolutely ridiculous facial hairs that nobody could possibly think looks good. This person can also be trying all of this latest health fads and will complain if there’s not enough options that fit their current lifestyle. Think of them as your typical “keto-guido” (not specific to guidos or anyone else). Dom’s will also say a lot of things that sound very motivational and wise, but amount to a whole lot of nothing, like a bad life-coach.

Example: “This Dom wants so badly to be a Gary Vee type trying to give me motivational pep talks. Why should I take advice from a guy who can’t even get his mustache in check?? LMAO”

Jayden: Jayden’s are that person that is still too young to be going out to bars/clubs. Technically speaking as soon as you turn 21, anyone younger than you in your friend group can be considered a Jayden. I know what you’re thinking, “What if they have a fake ID?! They can’t be considered a Jayden then, right?”. Wrong. Bouncers can easily spot a Jayden for you as they corral groups of them outside of bars or 21+ concerts, like Gesaffelstein (again nonspecific), for having fakes.

Example: “Yo I can’t believe this Jayden in front of me at the bar last night was holding up the line trying to get in with THIS id LOL. Yeah right bro!”

Aryan: Aryan’s are the guys who can find a way to criticize just about anything (situation, time period, place, clothing, etc.). If a person has ever said, “Wow this is nice. I’m actually genuinely fine with everything right now.” , you are NOT dealing with an Aryan. This dude also hates everything that is “mainstream” and will step away from most things that are considered as such.

Example: “Wow look at this total Aryan straying away from the norm. I literally can’t name a single article/brand of clothing that he is wearing.”

Not to sound like an Aryan, but the Karens of the world have become too mainstream and have oversaturated the social media landscape. We need to hit the brakes on the whole “Karen” thing for a second and focus on some of these other horrific types of people that exist in the world.

Songs played while writing:

Daft Punk — Homework [album]

Polo & Pan — Caravelle [album]

Khruangbin — Con Todo El Mundo[Album]