Dear “Pineapple Belongs on Pizza” People

Oh really James? You don’t care what anyone says?? There is maybe less than 5% of the population who cares to argue with you. What kind of straw-man argument is it to say “pineapple belongs on pizza”?? You folks are having an argument with almost nobody. It’s not a revolutionary take to like a Hawaiian pizza every now and again. Nobody is talking shit to you. Please remove the chip on your shoulder that is your “personality trait” and dip it in a cup of self-awareness.

What I will argue against is that the belief that pineapple BELONGS on pizza; it quite literally does not. The only things that belongs on pizza are marinara sauce and cheese (and you could argue pepperoni). Pineapples on the other hand belong in fruit salads, smoothies, piña colada, and a variety of other (NON-PIZZA) items. To say that pineapple belongs on pizza entails to me that almost every single pizza you order contains pineapple and in which case you are 100% a psychopath.

If you are one of those nutjobs who demands the group order a Hawaiian Pizza (95+ % of the time) or just can’t enjoy a nice slice of cheese/pepperoni pizza like a normal member of society, then by all means, lean into your “quirky” side. For the rest of you looking to be different or wacky by claiming to be obsessed with pineapple on pizza, stop. You’re not arguing against anyone. It’s not a personality trait. You just enjoy a good Hawaiian style pizza every now and again.

Or just lean all the way into it and put ‘#Quirky’ in your bio so we can all laugh at you (behind your back) from behind some screens. None of this half-assed shit though.

Songs played while writing:

Solardo — On The Corner

Tom Misch — Geography [Album]