As A Fat Kid
So I grew up a tad overweight and I can’t help but notice how it shaped me, both physically and mentally.
For starters, let me say I miss it. Being able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without any remorse was awesome. To be fair, it wasn’t really whatever/whenever, my parents did attempt to get me in shape. But, do you think that there was any chance that they could stop that unstoppable force?
Short answer: No. *Your boy was blinged out though. You see that ice around the neck??*
If you’ve seen the movie Matilda, you may remember the scene where the larger kid is forced to eat an enormous cake in front of the entire school. Most of you probably saw that and thought, “oh gross poor kid is going to explode”. Not me. I was envious of that kid. I would’ve absolutely obliterated that cake. Easy.
Today, I joke with my parents asking, “How did you let me just eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted? How did you let me blow up to that size?”. Turns out being fat pairing with lazy and dumb is a bad combination for a closeted overeater. They’d tell me about the bags of chips and cookies I’d find under my bed when we were cleaning. Of course, I did all of that in secrecy and wanted to rid of the evidence so not to be scolded or grounded by them.
My parents even took me to nutritionists who I’d just shrug off as a kid. I was smart enough to know that I wasn’t making healthy choices and that I was doing this to myself. I just really didn’t ever think I would ever make the smarter choice. Why would anyone ever not just pick the food that gives them the most pleasure over the 3–5 minutes it would take me to inhale meals? Why miserably eat just to be “healthy”? Seems like these people have it all backwards.
One of the things that I noticed and took offense to was being overlooked athletically. I am blessed enough to have a fair amount of athletic ability, so kids who didn’t know me would categorize me as slow and unathletic. Friends who did know me would often times “sleeper pick” me late in drafts cause they knew I’d be overlooked.
An issue I did have was with coaches who didn’t know me. Getting put to play goalie, catcher, or any other “not so mobile” position just based purely on my body type was annoying. Of course I could do it because I had the athletic ability to try my hand at those things, but those positions weren’t fun for me. I’d rather spend time scoring goals instead of stopping people from scoring.
Middle school, like for many, was a rough time in my life. I had just transferred to go to school in a different city where I didn’t really know anyone. I was playing sports in a completely different city. I didn’t really understand these kids’ sense of humor. I never got the chance to eat that Matilda cake in front of them. The icing on the cake that is that I thought playing the alto-saxophone in band was going to be the move. Surely, this is where problems began to arise.
I’d been bullied and teased about my weight before, but now being called “tubby” to my face any chance that kids got to throw a blow was starting to hurt my ego. I was having a tough time finding myself and fitting into any sort of role I was supposed to be playing socially.
On top of that, middle school is about the time that most people are expressing their interests in sexuality. Talking with friends about how hot Megan Fox is, dating, kissing, etc. Oh and getting a hug from a girl you thought was cute was THE SHIT. “Damn bro you really hugged *insert cute girls name here*?! HOW??”.
RECAP: I was chonk. Didn’t grow up with these kids. Didn’t have the same sense of humor as most of them. Didn’t have the chance to show athletic ability as I played sports in a different city. To add on top of the list, middle school Nick didn’t have a cell phone; in middle school that is where relationships and friendships were made. It also allowed kids to mature socially around me and I just didn’t have that in my toolbox!
So, I had 0 game and dirt low confidence. I didn’t have a clue in the world how to talk to girls (still don’t) and it made me a “where’s my hug at??” guy. I remember my first time hugging a girl my heart was RACING. She probably felt my heart beating against my chest and thought “Damn this kid really is out of shape. Already having cardiac issues at this age?”
I remember lying to friends from school about getting girls from the area I play sports in. I lied to my friends from sports about getting girls from school. I lied about my weight whenever people would inevitably ask. I was too afraid to change in public. I was a weird kid who wore a rash guard in the pool because I didn’t want to take my shirt off. I was riddled with insecurities and lied to not add fuel to the long list of issues I had to deal with socially.
When I finally broke out of some of these insecurities, like going shirtless at a pool party, I’d found that my insecurities weren’t even what I expected. They were still bad, but just not what I’d expected. Bestowed upon me was another insecurity of having abnormally large nipples. “Aye Martinez why don’t you throw some of those pepperonis back on the pizza” is something I can’t specifically remember hearing but makes me laugh now so I’m gonna say someone said that to me. I WAS MORTIFIED. Another insecurity to add to the list?? I even brought it up to my doctor seeing what he recommended that I do about those half-dollar shits. He just scooped my tit, flicked my nipple, laughed at me and said that I’m fine and to not be such a bitch. This one still haunts me so please DO NOT bring that shit up.
Eventually, I grew into my body, got a cell phone, and got a better idea of my role socially. That middle school phase inevitably changed me; for better or worse is debatable. Some positives are that I became keen on working hard to keep weight off once I’d managed to get a grip on my eating habits. I’m absurdly health-conscious today and I can’t help but feel like it’s because of who I was. I grew thicker skin and can now take more teasing from friends. I have a relatively quick-witted sense of humor as someone who had to respond to jokes hurled at me. I’m more empathetic to people who are bullied for their weight. Only issue that I haven’t grown from and has truly suffered is my ability to talk to girls. Please excuse my lack of game I haven’t quite been able to recover. I am forever set back on that.
Songs played while writing:
Harry Styles — Fine Line [Album]
J Balvin — Colores [Album]
Knxwledge — 1988 [Album]
Anderson Paak — Malibu [Album]
