Answering The Internet’s Dumbest Question

Nick Martinez
3 min readNov 20, 2020


Me the very first time being asked this (before I discovered the correct answer)

“Is a hotdog/hamburger a sandwich?”

Short answer: FUCK NO.

Listen, if you want to be an annoying “well technically” guy/girl that literally nobody enjoys having around, then by all means give your “proper definition.” Technically and I mean technically there is an argument to be made and you might even the right, but the honest to god truth to comes down to this:

If someone asks you if you’d like sandwich and you say “Yes, what kind?”. They respond ,“Oh I can make you whatever! We have PB&J, turkey, hotdog, tuna, hamburger, some roast beef…” The question you need to ask yourself at this point is, “How hard do I need punch this person in the face to evaporate them from the Earth?”

In this scenario, if the person offering to make a “sandwich” for you isn’t wearing a mouthpiece they are an incredibly brave soul. You cannot possibly expect to ask questions like that and be respected by society. You should be completely exiled from society, excommunicated, or receive a public stoning to the point in which you agree to step into the classical norms of life that are in place in American society.

The people who love these kinds of phenomena, were the kids that found out tomatoes are actually fruits and became OBSESSED with that fact. They told everyone else and loved the amused/perplexed reactions of other kids who’d just discovered this anomaly. They grew up seeking out more ways in which they could instill that same sense of wonder in people. But, these kinds of people cannot exist in a society where there is a perfect blend of structure, logic, and reasoning.

As you grow up, you realize that some things like tomatoes technically being a fruit don’t matter. This is because you’re only ever going to question IF there are tomatoes in a fruit salad; not WHY there aren’t any. It doesn’t belong in there. Just like hotdogs and hamburgers do not belong under the sandwich category. So have some sense you mangy bloke. If any restaurant dares to classify hotdogs/hamburgers in the part of the menu under ‘sandwiches’, the respectable thing to do is to burn down the entire establishment or at the very least, settle for keeping your pride by walking out without ordering.

Songs played while writing:

Kanye West — The Life of Pablo [Album]